Friday, November 22, 2013

ABUJA: 8 Articles of Faith

A good car is the first article of faith. The sooner you realize this the faster you will make it into Abuja heaven. Stickers help prove this point. One needs to identify which agent of the living god has blessed one’s hustle and what the slogan of that agent is this year. You are what you drive. This became clear to you when you still had Silvanus- the old red Audi with a gay German soul. Even those whose faith was so little that they had no cars discriminated against you when there was more than one car offering a lift. It is clearer now that Silvanus is dead and gone. You miss Silvanus. 

Affected speech is a virtue. Even when you are speaking to your secondary school classmate from Federal Government Girls College Bakori. The closer you are to a proper British or American accent the more intently people will listen and nod. Your argument will not need to have any nuance or logic. You can mix both accents, using the British accent for most words and the American for words like God, Lord, and Word. For guidance pay attention to the anointed on-air prophets of this gospel on Abuja radio. 

Ps. When you meet a white person, it is important to switch to a more affected form of your British, American or mixed accents. Even if the white person is Hungarian and can barely speak English. 

Jesus performed a miracle where, from two loaves of bread and five fishes, he fed 5,000 people. Jesus also said his followers would perform miracles greater than he did. He was referring to civil servants in Abuja who, on salaries of less than 150,000 a month can afford to buy houses, pay exorbitant school fees for many children, drive expensive cars, maintain lovers and even occasionally go on vacation abroad. You really should read the Bible more often. 

They say Toronto Mayor Rob Ford uses crack cocaine and alcohol. He admits to smoking crack only once and says that he only used alcohol before a ‘come to Jesus moment’. The often high Mayor does not ask Toronto residents to ride bicycles in a city with epileptic traffic lights, open man holes and sidewalks that are taken over by cars in many places. That is not because he is such a good guy. It is just because Toronto has functional street lights. Google it, I am not lying. 

They elect their Mayor in Toronto. Every major city deserves an opportunity to elect its own crack head. There is a reason you never see the Minister of the FCT on the streets. He doesn’t work for you. 

Majority of the people who live here are liars. They tell their friends they live in Abuja when they commute daily from crowded places like Nyanya, Gwagwa, Gwagwalada, Mararaba. Liars will not make heaven. That is why, when someone asks where you live, you say, I live in the FCT. Not Abuja. 

Cleanliness is next to godliness but only on some Abuja streets. It doesn’t seem like a great idea to keep the whole city clean- with perfect earthly cities people will stop aspiring to heaven. And god forbid that people stop looking forward to heaven. 

Park [paark](noun) : {not} a public place for recreation. With the exception of one or two places, an Abuja park is a place with plastic chairs and tables where you buy bludgeoned catfish and beer. It does not welcome idle people who have watched too many foreign movies and want to ‘take a walk in the park.’ Abuja rightly resists cultural imperialism. 

An ambulance belonging to the city will discourage rich people from decongesting the city by flying abroad for medical treatment. There are already too many cars in the city. The absence of any emergency services gives residents of the city the opportunity to should neighborly love. It is God who said you must love your neighbor as yourself. Taking a bleeding stranger in your car to a hospital which may or may not be able to help is an investment in eternal life. And you really want to make heaven.

Saturday, November 9, 2013


The Nigerian god is a god not of illness but of salubrity. I cannot speak for European and American gods and goddesses who allow their worshippers openly confess their illnesses to friends, neighbours and strangers. Sometimes they even go on TV shows and talk about what insidious viruses have attacked their bodies. There is a reason why we are happy and they are not. Our god does not approve of such shameful confessions. And you must recognize as a worshipper that the body is the temple of god. Thus, a public confession that your body is harbouring a virus is like saying that the owner of that temple cannot take care of his own house. God forbid that you should stoop to such blasphemous behaviour.

This, however, is not to deny the existence of viruses and bacteria which may from time to time pay visits to this temple of our god. Far from it. But we must treat such events as what they are: mere temporary visitations from our less evolved relatives. We know that one does not go proclaiming the details of a visitation from one’s relatives. Intimate things that happen during such visitations are to be kept within the family. 

So, say you have been visited by a flu and you suffer headaches, running nose and weakness, you must, when asked, say I am well or the more faith-inspired it is well. You are not a European who will say, I have a flu or I have ovarian cancer. Conceal it until it becomes unbearable and impossible to conceal. Do not do rude things like refuse to shake people because you may pass something on. Better a virus-ridden handshake than no handshake. Even when you sneeze wildly, people, instead of being offended at suddenly having to share their space with other living organisms, will say politely, bless you.

The only visitations that you are permitted to talk about are things like malaria or headache. By virtue of how common such visitations are, you can share thoughts about it, like a pregnant woman discussing remedies to morning sickness with another pregnant woman. 

Another exception to talking about visitations of organisms is when you are the host of a condition which has symptoms similar to those of visitations that attract judgment. Like HIV. A visitation by HIV is perceived to be the fault of the host and so we judge the host for harbouring it. We treat them like traitors and abandon them to suffer the consequences. Just like we do not judge people for stealing but for getting caught, we do not judge people for leaving their doors open by having unprotected sex or multiple partners. We judge them when we find out their temples have that treacherous HIV guest. I will talk about this later. But say you have something like cancer, kidney or liver issues, eating disorders or hormonal imbalance issues that make you lose a lot of weight. This gives people only one idea. That you are harbouring a virus like HIV. That you are a traitor. A sinner. An evil conspirator seeking to destroy the temple of god. In this case, when people see you and give you that look, you must quickly announce that your weight loss is due to a visitation of a non-treacherous kind and then proceed to state in great detail what type of visitation it is. This will not stop Papa Chidera from asking Mama Chidera if she has seen how ‘lean’ you have become lately. But it will prevent them from making the conclusion that you must have HIV. It will prevent them from drawing on history to back the claim – those nights they saw you with someone of the opposite sex and all the partners you have ever had. They will simply discuss your visitation with as much empathy as they have in them. Who knows, they may even try to help. Your friends may even organize fund raisers to buy you a new kidney or send you to India for chemotherapy. Your church will organize prayers for you and hundreds of prayer warriors will bind and cast this visitor who mimics the visitation of the treacherous one. 

Now if your visitation is actually of a treacherous kind, like HIV, you must conceal it as much as you can. Never ever admit this. For a while you may lie that you have other types of visitations. But you cannot do that for long without people suspecting you. Seek treatment if you must but do so discreetly. If you are attending hospital for anti-retroviral drugs for example and you live in Kogi State, instead of going to the centres in Lokoja, travel far away to a hospital in Abuja or Kaduna. The reason is very simple. Someone who knows you is likely to see you walking into the HIV unit and proceed to spread the gospel about your treachery. Or some hospital staff who knows you may stumble upon your records and proceed to warn everyone she knows about it. Lay low and avoid detection. If however this visitation has reached an advanced stage where the virus has actually moved in with you and has become AIDS, you must move far away to a village where no one knows you. Because no one will offer their righteous prayers on behalf of a traitor. There will be no campaigns for you. No tear-jerking hashtags. No concerts to raise money. No short codes for people to sms donations. No summoning of Jesus and the Holy Spirit to take charge. Only stigma. 

You cannot avoid visitations. But you can avoid being judged for it. Take my advice: protect your temple today. 

Ps. Pride goes before a foolish question. Stop pretending you know the meaning of the word salubrity and check it up in the dictionary like I did.

Sunday, November 3, 2013


Because I Care #34

It is hard to stay ahead in politics. Just when you think you have it all figured out, just when you think you have a lead and all the people love you, your opponent will spring a surprise that will leave you on all fours, panting. That is the position in which I write this article. 

At a time when my soon-to-be-predecessor’s rating are lowest, when it is common knowledge how corrupt public officials are and when nothing works, Mr. Jonathan in total disregard for the principles of fair play bypasses all of us and takes his game straight to Jesus. With pain in my heart I watched how he knelt down in Israel in the tomb of Jesus with the hands of the leader of the Christian wing of the PDP, Ayo Oritsejafor over him. I don’t know why, but every time I see Ayo I think of a tout who has had an emergency haircut and new clothes because he needs to meet with the Governor or Local Government Chairman. I am sure it has nothing to do with his role in this government. I shouldn’t be having such thoughts about a man of God. Get behind me Satan!

Mr. Jonathan has breached the rules. I think the Electoral Act needs a new amendment to prevent people bringing prophets and gods into the race. It should read: “no candidate shall enlist any superhuman variable into the race, whether by kneeling at the tomb of a god or that of a prophet, in Nigeria or out of Nigeria.” 

How can one respond to that- the man went to the tomb of Jesus himself. He knows that in spite of the fact that my first name is Hebrew/Jewish, I think the State of Israel runs a system akin to apartheid and that they treat their Arabs and non-Jews like lepers. Worse still they oppress their weaker Palestinian brothers. I have said this in public and Jonathan knows there is no way Israel will give me a visa even if I wanted to also commune with Jesus. Why he chooses to befriend Israel beats me. This is why if I can overcome this setback and have God bless my presidential hustle I will sever all ties with the Apartheid State of Israel. I will end all Israeli Security contracts and limit our relations to the most basic diplomatic communication. And yes, I will keep my Jewish name because my problem is not with Jews but with the State of Israel that takes pride in oppressing other people the same way they were once oppressed. One would think with their history of sorrow and pain, they would have more empathy within their borders. Israel can keep its visa. 

So Princess Oduah has told the House of Representatives that the armoured cars whose purchase she approved at 255milllion naira were not for her use. I believe her. That Joe that works for her who came out to issue a statement about her needing protection and all that is an agent of her enemies. I hope she has sacked him. See how a person’s aides can put one in trouble. That is how I will employ an aide who will go and confess on my behalf that I am a homosexual. God forbid evil things. All my aides will undergo a lie detector test as well as an Okija shrine test to see if they are agents of my enemies who will one day disgrace me in public. Thankfully Princess Oduah has done the needful by clearing the air and telling us that the armoured cars are for foreign dignitaries. There is wisdom in this. We do not want to start a war with a country when some senseless terrorist kills their leader in a hold up in Lagos or Abuja. Imagine the Prime Minister of Pakistan coming and getting shot in Nigeria. We could never withstand the Pakistani army. Have you seen them marching? Please join me in thanking Princess Oduah for those armoured vehicles for foreign dignitaries. All I ask is that when these dignitaries come here, they should drop something for fuel. You know how BMWs guzzle fuel. I will insist on this as president. 

Just for the record, the committee on the National Conference is still going round the country collecting memoranda and listening to Nigerians on suggestions for the proposed conference. To support my candidacy, please attend a hearing near you and make a case for independent candidacy. Don’t sit in your house and say I will vote for Elnathan, I support Elnathan, I have faith in Elnathan bla bla bla. Faith without works is like serving your visiting in-laws soup without meat. Add meat to my soup: support my presidency with works today. 

Finally, I hope that my soon-to-be-predecessor will not take credit for the solar eclipse that will take place in various cities around Nigeria from around 12.50 this afternoon. That will not be fair. Because it is the prayers of men like us that made it possible. 

Ps. I don’t know the protocol for this. But I wish you all a blissful eclipse.