HOLY WAR AND THE RETURN OF DANBABA SUNTAI

Elected Governor of Taraba state Danbaba Suntai came back this week. I saw it myself. I watched him leave the plane and enter his car. Ok, I watched them help him enter the car. But really, who cares? What is important is that, somehow he made it to Government House sitting upright in a car and not in an ambulance. 

After Suntai’s broadcast to the people of Taraba State, all I can say is, God bless the miracle-working West. For taking what was a near dead man who would have been assigned to a morgue in Nigeria after his plane crash and bringing him back to life. God bless the West. Imagine if there were no German, American or British hospitals that could treat the fevers, injuries and ‘untucked’ tummies of our leaders and their families. Imagine if they could no longer give birth to their children in nice sane countries. There would be chaos and depression in the land. 

As president I will send bags of fresh kolanuts, onions, moringa, and zobo leaves as gratitude for every important Nigerian life Germany, the UK and the US has saved. 

Listening to Suntai, I totally agree that he is fit for work and that his capacity to resume duties as Governor is not in doubt. The law does not say that a Governor must recognize the legislators in his state. Hell I don’t even recognize all my relatives. What has recognizing lawmakers have to do with governing a state? Again, the law does not say he has to be audible when making broadcasts. That is what a microphone is for. As long as he can sit upright, wear a decent suit and read from a paper, he can govern a state. After all we had a president that once governed from, erm, the holy land, Saudi Arabia. 

People should stop inviting him to prove his recovery to them. They should allow him to govern from his, erm, recovery bed.

I hear people from one of the opposition parties shut down the city for their mini convention this weekend. Yes, I call the PDP the opposition party because they stand in opposition to my candidacy and to progress in Nigeria. My sources tell me there was hardly a hotel in town that wasn’t fully booked and that Abuja saw an unusually high number of new sex workers in the streets on Friday and Saturday nights. I am not completely sure if this has anything to do with the convention, but if it does, then the foreign construction workers must have gotten a run for their money. Looking at the bright side, I appreciate how much they have boosted the local economy this weekend.

So someone went and used chemical weapons in Syria. And Obama is mad at Assad and wants to spank him. He has been gathering his friends on his way to deal with the Syrian Government. Sadly his best friend Cameron has abandoned him. The British parliament said a resounding no to Cameron authorizing military intervention. I don’t like friends like Cameron. They are the type who will encourage you to fight in secret and just when you are in the centre of the football field with your shirt off and your enemy in your face, will sent a text message saying ‘oops, sorry I can’t make it’. What kind of friend leaves you stranded like that? If I was Obama I would de-friend Cameron. What you need are friends like Tony Blair, who will support you even when you are doing something stupid. 

I am glad that the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize is going to war. Because when a man of peace conducts a war, it has to be different. It is holy war. 

Ps. Isn’t it amazing how the whole country is carrying on as if our universities have not been closed for months? This state of affairs is not only shameful, it is immoral. It has become increasingly clear how numb this government and the Nigerian people are to strikes. ASUU must devise new means of bettering the university system and dealing with a government that does not respect agreements or the importance of education. 

Ps. 2. I watched Yerima give an interview on Channels TV. Although the interviewer was clearly ill prepared to take Yerima on the issue of child marriage, he still managed to say some shocking things. One was that the age of a woman does not matter because according to him ‘if you look for maturity’ in a woman you may never marry. His reason being that “even a 50 year old woman” can act like a “25 year old man”. So, for Yerima, women really have no relevant maturity apart from sexual maturity, this being indicated by the beginning of menstruation and the development of breasts. It is instructive to note what a Senator of the Federal Republic thinks about women. I wouldn’t want to be a woman in this part of the world.