Saturday, July 8, 2017

A PHONE CONVERSATION WITH MR DEPUTY


Dearest darling Buhari, 

I have spent all week ignoring the foolish people implying you are probably already dead. It is their erections that will die. Nonsense. So I was on the phone to your deputy. I will just write a transcript of the conversation because it is hard to explain. It makes me worry and but I don't want to stress you out. Anyway, please find below. 

Your Deputy: Saurayin Oga, how now? Long time. 

Me: Long time o, Oga deputy. How life?

Your Deputy: Life is scary o. You won't believe what has been happening.

Me: Oya tell me na. 

Your Deputy: You know I have been trying since your darling left. I have really tried. I have travelled to see all our people. I have tried to broker peace in the Niger Delta. I have visited markets. I have tried to raise confidence in the economy…

Me: Yes yes yes… so what is the problem?

Your Deputy: You are too impatient. Allow me to finish. Is this how you are with Daddy Bubu?

Me: Ok sorry na. Continue. 

Your Deputy: I have even done everything to make people know that I am loyal to your darling Bubu. I went to Katsina if you remember and called Bubu my father. I reassured everyone that I am not interested in taking over your darling’s house and pushing him aside. All I have done is work. And yes if I work, people will notice. And they will talk about it. That is not my fault. 

Me: No it is not your fault. Even I have told my bubu not to be worried about you taking over his darling. 

Your Deputy: Of course not. You are not even my type. 

Me: Whatever. Me too I can’t be darling to anyone who is as short as you are. Plus you like wearing grey. Which makes you look even smaller…

Your Deputy: It is ok. No need to fight. I think you have made your point. Anyway. Now they are trying to remove me as deputy. I just travelled once and they were trying to install another deputy. No one has respect for me. I keep hearing rumours that they want to sabotage things so that people will hate me. And no it is not because I am short. It is because they are afraid that god forbid, if anything happens to your darling…

Me: God forbid. It is your darling something will happen to, not mine. 

Your Deputy: Haba. I am not wishing bad na. I am just talking about probabilities. Don't take this personal. 

Me: Oya continue. 

Your Deputy: People are afraid that I will take over the house and want to continue the way Jonathan did. And we all know how that ended. And it is not as if I am even interested. Now don't get me wrong. Of course everyone wants to be the head of the house and all but I know our family has agreed that the northern people do 8 years and then others can take over. And you know my senior brother also is waiting and if I interrupt the flow, it will affect his chances of becoming president of the house in 2023. 

Me: Hmmmm. That is a serious matter. 

Your Deputy: Yes it is. You know in this our house it is more important where you come from than what work you are actually doing. 

Me: Yes, I know. But I have a suggestion. Why can’t you just change ethnic group and religion?

Your Deputy: Change religion I understand. But change ethnic group?

Me: Yes na. You don't see what is happening in the world. People can now be transracial like they can be transgender. See that Rachel Dolezal who said she is now black. You can also just declare you are now a northern Muslim and then write a book about it and launch it at Yaradua Centre in Abuja. You know?

Your Deputy: That is a good point o. How about I say I just found out that my grandfather was actually a slave from Kano stolen and gifted to my great grandfather. I will try that. Thanks for the suggestion. 

Me: No wahala. Anyway, you keep doing the work. I will talk to my Bubu in a minute. And please can you help release that Shiite man whose children we killed because… hello? Hello? Are you still there? 
***

Darling Bubu, this was our conversation o. I don't know if it is the Shiite matter that made him drop the phone or it was just bad network. Maybe the network. What do you think we should do? I would appreciate a WhatsApp voice note, the type you sent me for Sallah. Also, I hear the process of recall of Senator Mai Mota is progressing. The house is really interesting these days. You even need a boat to move around Lagos streets. I have always wanted to use a boat in Nigeria. I think it will be beautiful if Lagos can become like Venice. We can just do sexy things like host a film festival and have celebrities arrive in pretty boats and yachts. Great for photos.  

I miss you. I wanted to check our account balance to see how much we have left. Can you please tell me how much we have spent so far on treatment? I just want to know so that I can balance our accounts.  

Yours always,

Elnathan John. 


Sunday, July 2, 2017

NIGERIAN TAILOR VICTIMS SUPPORT BILL 2017


Dearest Buhari,
So, while you are recovering (by the way, thanks for that caring voice note you sent me for Sallah, you rock!) I have decided to be proactive and help you with governance. I have decided to sponsor bills on your behalf. I will start with a nationwide problem that needs to be tackled. Treacherous tailors who ruin our events. Please find below for your perusal. 

NIGERIAN TAILOR VICTIMS SUPPORT BILL 2017
A bill for an Act to cater to the millions of traumatised victims of tardy Nigerian tailors, to establish a Tailor Crimes Commission, Tailors Victims Support Commission and the Tailors Victims Support fund, to criminalise and provide punishment for tardiness by tailors and other matters related thereto.

1.   Interpretation
In this Bill, unless the context otherwise requires-
      “Tailor” means any individual engaged in the production of any type of apparel for human use irrespective of whatever cool appellation they may give themselves, including but not limited to pretentious titles like “seamstress”, “dressmaker”, “fashion designer”. 
     “Tardiness” means everything from non delivery of apparel given for production or delivery of said apparel at anytime after the agreed time and date for such production.

2.  Establishment of Tailor Crimes Commission 
(1) There is hereby established a body to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Crimes Commission (hereinafter referred to as "the crimes commission”)
The crimes commission shall-

(a) be responsible for all matters affecting crimes by tailors in Nigeria as provided for in this Act;

(b) monitor and supervise Nigerian tailors in relation to international tailoring standards and advise Government thereon;

(c) prosecute arrest and investigate tailors who cause heartache and sorrow to innocent Nigerians whose only crime was engaging a Nigerian tailor;

(d) enlighten and inform the public on matters relating to their rights with regard to tailors;

(e) maintain an effective data bank on tailors and their crimes and reward tailors who are crime free

(f) be responsible for such other matters as relate to tailors in Nigeria as the Minister (for Internal Affairs) may, from time to time, direct.

3. Tailor Crimes 
(1)  A person commits a Tailor Crime if
(a)  He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails completely to produce such apparel.
(b)  He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails to deliver such apparel to the owner at or before the agreed time for delivery. 
(c)  He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails to produce the apparel according to the agreed specifications, making it either too small or too large or too different from the sample or totally unwearable or missing major appurtenances including but not limited to buttons or sequins or functional zippers, or button holes.
(2)  A person who commits a Tailor Crime shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 4 years including a fine covering the cost of a new apparel.
(3) The following shall not be acceptable defences to Tailor Crimes 
  1. “I get Catarrh”
  2. “I no well” when said excuse is not accompanied by doctors report or evidence of total physical incapacity.
  3. Wedding
  4. Wedding of one’s relatives
  5. Death of one’s grand mother or aunt or great-grandmother especially one who has died before
  6. “No light”
  7. “I no find landing for your cloth”
  8. Anybody’s second burial 
  9. “My pikin no well” except when accompanied by evidence. 

4.  The offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes
(1)  A person commits the offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes when he or she commits Tailor Crimes more than once against the same person within a period of two months or commits more than one Tailor Crime against the same person, for example, being tardy AND ruining the apparel. 
(2)  A person who commits the offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 8 years including a lifetime ban from being a tailor. 

5.  Establishment of Tailor Victims Support Commission 
(1) There is hereby established a body to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Victims  Support Commission (hereinafter referred to as "the support commission”)
The support commission shall-

(a) be responsible for the emotional support of all victims of Tailor Crimes in Nigeria as provided for in this Act;

(b) respond to all emergencies relating to Nigerian tailors including but not limited to providing trauma counselling to victims whose spirits have been broken because a Nigerian tailor ruined their wedding, party, event, funeral, job interview, date, award ceremony other important event;

(c) hold town hall meetings to sensitise Nigerians on the dangers of Tailor Crimes;

(d) coordinate meetings and create local chapters of victim support groups online and offline;

6.  Establishment of Tailor Victims Support Fund 
(1) There is hereby established a fund to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Victims  Support Fund (hereinafter referred to as "the fund”)
The fund shall-
  1. consist of monthly tax from all tailors in Nigeria whether or not they have committed Tailor Crimes
  2. Be used to support victims of Nigerian Tailors and run the support commission in general
  3. Be used to pay for trauma treatment and new fabrics in compensation for Tailor Crimes. 



Let me know what you think dear.

Your always,


Elnathan John

Sunday, June 25, 2017

SPEECH IMPAIRMENTS, RECALLS AND EYESIGHT

Dearest Buhari, 

They have come again o! I just read the Sahara Reporters people again and now they are saying you have a speech impairment. What nonsense! People wanting to use this as an excuse are saying that in 2010 you were asking where Yar’Adua was and demanding that if he was too sick to run the house he should resign. All I have to tell them is, jiya ba yau ba — yesterday is not today. And you are not Yar’Adua. Yar’Adua did not love me the way you do. Yar’Adua did not have or care about the “other room”. Yar’Adua did not give me my special place as the head of the 97% while protecting me from the 5% of people who do not deserve his love. And about the speech impairment rumor, do they not know that we communicate weekly, that our hearts speak as one, that I can feel you even if words do not pass between us? You know how growing up our parents will look at us in public and without saying a word we knew what they meant? Did they need words? And neither do you. I feel you. (Also, it is not like we need words in “the other room”.  😘)

Albishirin ka! They have begun the process of the recall of Senator Mai Mota. INEC has received bags of signatures signing the petition for his recall. Those Kogi people are serious fa. But you know I trust Senator Mai Mota. The God that made it possible for him to go to become a graduate of foreign universities by just doing one-week courses and helped him get his many many vehicles can help him dissolve those signatures into liquid, merge them and turn them into a blot on the paper. Because the God of Mai Mota works in mysterious ways!

My dear, I am so happy you are not in Nigeria o! Imagine just sitting there recovering from illness wearing a t-shirt and shorts, maybe even before taking a shower and then someone like Shehu Sani descending upon the house with journalists and cameras taking photos of you and posting it on Twitter and Instagram. Hmmmm. God forbid that Shehu Sani will use you for politics. Even me who is your darling, I don't share pictures of you in shorts on Twitter. Not even the ones you send me via WhatsApp. Please o, if you hear Shehu Sani is coming to London, wear your Caftan o, and in fact let him and his people keep their phones outside the door before you let them in. I don't want everyone seeing your sexy legs. 

Let me tell you some gossip. So, Rotimi Amaechi has threatened to expose Nyesom Wike’s wife because Wike alleged that when Amaechi was governor state politicians used to make monthly payments to his wife. Amaechi then called Wike a thug, said he speaks bad English and that he is poorly dressed. The same Wike who was Amaechi’s Chief of Staff. I wonder if his English, being a thug or dressing has worsened over the years or if he was not these things when they were working together. In fact Amaechi once claimed that he begged Goodluck Jonathan to make Wike minister. You know those men who will sleep with a woman then when things don't work out will turn around and call her ugly and a whore? I am not saying Amaechi was sleeping with Wike (even though I do think they would make a charming couple), I am only saying Amaechi reminds me of those men. I hope they settle. Or that Wike maybe changed his dressing and takes language classes. Whatever will make them both happy. Because like we say, sun fi kusa. (I am sorry if now the thought of Amaechi and Wike sleeping with each other is in your head and won’t go away.)

So, you have to help us pray o. That small Kaduna governor who swore to arrest the old men pretending to be young men who gathered to tell Igbos to leave the north still can't find them. I know he wears glasses. But I also know his eye sight was perfect when he wanted to arrest other people who wrote things did not like. I hope it is not river blindness returning to Kaduna. Anyway, let us hope he finds them. Because I know they are not hiding. This is why when you come back, I want to do a pet project. I want all children to have carrots in their diet. For vitamin A which strengthens the eyes. I will buy truck loads of carrots and make carrot juice which we will donate to all school children. So that when they grow up they will be able to find what they are looking for. This will also lead to growth of the economy as carrot farmers will benefit greatly. 

I miss you. Send me a WhatsApp soon. 
And my weekly reminder: release the Shiite man whose children and followers we killed. There is no point holding him when the courts have asked us to let him go. Do it for me baby…

Yours always. 


E. 

Monday, June 5, 2017

THE BENEFITS OF THE PROPOSED FUEL PRICE HIKE

Dearest Buhari,

First off I am so glad you survived the London bridge attacks. I saw on Facebook that you were safe and all. What would I have done without you? God will not allow any terrorist to find you in your London home darling. 

Anyway, so after your people at the embassy declared that you were rapidly improving I decided to mop and clean the other room and change the sheets and all. I am also airing the room just in case you decide to suddenly fly back once your deputy starts getting too popular. I want you to come back to a clean fresh house. 

So one of our workers Nodee, the one who says he has like 100 degrees, was caught on tape bribing a judge. Now the bribe aside, there are things I admire about Nodee. I like how he acquires degrees. I wish I had the confidence to do that. If he spends the night in a city that has a university and he strolls onto the campus in the evening to enjoy the academic breeze, he updates his CV to say he is a graduate of that institution. In a way he might be right. If he spent one week at Harvard and paid for his own ticket and accommodation, and ended up learning something there, he should be able to add that to his CV. Recently I spend two days at Yale University and I am working up the courage to add “Yale lecturer” to my CV. If Nodee can do it, I think I can. He has been working hard. Only recently he gathered some thieves to talk about how to end theft, which is smart because who else is best suited to end theft but thieves themselves. Just like how in some local communities, the local thugs and criminals are hired to protect the community. That way, instead of harassing and robbing people they are gainfully employed to protect the people. Makes sense. Or like in some movies where the thief who outsmarts the FBI ends up being recruited by the FBI.  

So our Senate has proposed an increase in the price of fuel. I know we promised everyone something different, change and all, but I am certain there are many advantages to increasing the cost of fuel even now that we are still in a recession. I will list just a few. 

1 It will reduce pollution: Think of how many cars are on the road. Everyone wants to drive. With expensive fuel, people will begin to explore other alternatives, like car pooling, cycling, walking or just sitting at home. With fewer cars come less pollution and now that Trump has pulled out of the Paris climate deal, it is up to smaller countries like Nigeria to help keep our planet safe. Increasing the fuel price will achieve this quickly. 
2 It will create a healthier population: Think of all the people that will buy bicycles and those who, instead of driving their Range Rovers to the neighborhood supermarket will walk there. The general weight of the population will decrease which will in turn lead to fewer health problems usually associated with sedentariness and weight gain. And a healthy population is a happy population. 
3 It will create happier united families. Think of it this way: if fuel becomes very expensive, men may reconsider driving their mistresses around or even visiting them so often. And we all know that once you begin to neglect your mistress, that is the beginning of the end of the affair. And once the mistress gets angry and moves on, it saves the marriage. People will have to prioritize — the wife and children or the mistress. I know that some foolish men will end up choosing the mistress but those are the ones that nothing can save. But think of the few who will choose the wife. Think of those families that a fuel increase will save.
4 It will reduce road accidents: Naturally, it follows that with fewer cars we will have fewer accidents and fewer incidents of road rage. People will get to where they are going much faster and people will start turning up for events quicker. This might mark a cultural shift where people abandon Nigerian time as there will no longer be traffic to blame. Fewer accidents mean fewer deaths and a generally happier healthier population. 
5 It will draw people closer to God: When fuel becomes expensive, God stands to gain. Here’s why. People will drive to church or Juma'at mosque. With super expensive fuel, you will not even be tempted to doze off in church or rush back home from the mosque. You will think of how much it cost you to get there and no one will tell you to cherish that time. People will spend more time in the houses of God because it would be a terrible waste not to. When they do this it will lead to a general appreciation for godly things and for the messages of salvation, whether Christian or Muslim. And nothing is better than a godly population. Fewer crimes, fewer people committing fornication and adultery, fewer STIs, fewer unwanted pregnancies and broken homes.

So you see, we really need this fuel hike and I am glad that this is happening while you are in charge of the house. That way we can claim the glory for finally fixing this nation with one master stroke. 


Please keep taking your drugs darling. I will be here waiting for you, whenever you decide to come back. 

Yours always, 

E. 

Sunday, May 28, 2017

THE JOYS OF RECOVERY AND SOME GOSSIP


Dearest Buhari, 

You know, to be honest, the most difficult part about you being away is not being able to spend time with you in the other room. But I will manage. As that Zamfara man rightly mentioned, God punishes human fornication with calamities like meningitis. I slept wrong the other night and woke up with just a bit of a stiff neck and thought for a moment that I perhaps had a visitation of God for my bad thoughts. But then it went away — it is a relief that God doesn't punish us for thoughts. Are you having bad thoughts my dear? 

So I must tell you some gossip I heard. I don't know how true this is, but the wife of the Lagos guy, she went to church last weekend — she does so from time to time, praise God — and the silly pastor annoyed her. Can you imagine that he did not call her up first to be anointed with anointing oil? What if the oil had finished? What would she have told her husband if, after going to church and returning without getting something as basic as an anointing, he accused her of not being there at all? It is not like we have a video, and you know that without a video it did not happen. What if the Lagos guy started suspecting his wife of branching off to see some lover? What if this led to chaos? What if that in turn led to him doing something shameful that would lead to say, his impeachment? Surely that pastor put the great state of Lagos in great peril by not promptly giving that woman her anointing before all the other humans in the church. Humans are equal but some humans are more deserving of anointing oil than others. The biggest issue though is, I think that pastor should be arresting for peddling fake anointing and fake anointing oil. The news reports say that although she was furious, she still waited her turn to be anointed. Should authentic anointing not have quelled the spirit of anger inside her? Instead, right after receiving the anointing, she stormed out of the church, instigated the firing of the pastor and made her husband cancel events that were planned to be held at the church. An anointing that leaves one even more angry than before, is that one an anointing? 

So I am wondering, what is your deputy doing? He promised to finalize the investigation of your thieving former secretary a couple of weeks ago and has still not said anything. I like closure. He should come out publicly and tell us how much your secretary stole and if we need to refer the matter to the police or EFCC. Or are some people too big to be visited by EFCC? We need to show that we have no sacred cows even though, going by his size your former secretary seems to have consumed many many cows, sacred and non sacred. 

So I hear someone from our embassy has leaked to the press that your health has improved significantly. They say you are very close to being declared hale and hearty. I love it when you are hale and hearty. So let me remind you what hale and hearty people do. They talk to their darlings and the people who love them. Now that you are doing alright, can we at least do a FaceTime video chat? Nothing naughty, no nudes or anything — I know you may not have the energy for that. But just let me see your face my Bubu. Also, you know the members of your household who haven't seen or heard from you in a long while might need proof of life so that they do not go and start working for other people. Just a short 45 second video beginning with “Fellow Nigerians”. You haven't done that in a while and I know they will love it. 

One British man went on Twitter the other day announcing that you had died. He was even giving condolences to your wife! (I admit, as your preferred darling I was jealous). Imagine! He even tweeted at me to ask if I knew where you were, almost gloating that you had died. In my mind I said, it is your darling who will die not mine, nonsense!I wanted to tweet that but I didn't want to give him any room to say anything more so I just told him that we had WhatsApp’d and that you were doing just fine. Which is why I am happy that the embassy quickly leaked how you are doing ok and recovering quickly and all. I will just call it bad belle. What is his business with your health? What is his business if you have not spoken to us in a long while? Is it his family? He should go and face his Brexit and leave us alone jare. 

I heard one of your houseboys told the press that the reason we are still holding that Shiite man whose children we massacred is that we want to protect him. It sounds like a good excuse I must admit. But I still think that it is better if we just let him and his family go so that we don't have to give great excuses like that in the future. What do you think?

Again, your deputy is doing well but like I promised the last time, nothing he does will make me change my mind about you. Nothing he does will make me cheat on you. For one thing I am afraid of the Zamfara man’s God and of his meningitis. And another is that your deputy is too short and wears too dark clothes for me to abandon for my darling and follow him. I like tall men. Especially tall men who wear white. 

Yours forever

e.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

SHORT MEN, LITTLE DICTATORS


Dearest Buhari, 

I think I am coping well with this long distance relationship, better than I thought I would. The tips I sent last week are helping. I miss you. 

This week so many things happened, things that make me worry for our house and for our future. I know you will not be able to run this house forever. Someone will have to take over when you retire but I do not like what I see. 

First off that little man who always swears that he loves you more than he loves suya, more than all of his wives — he is letting his position get to his head. He is arresting people who write things he doesn't like. He is threatening people. In fact it got so bad that someone took him to court recently and won. The court prevented him from harassing or attempting to arrest her for the things she has written. You know what baffles me Bubu? This man has the worst insults on his burnt lips. You know the man who used to run our farm before, the slow one, Jonah? Do you remember how the little one used to insult him everyday; you know, that time he didn't have work? He was on Twitter morning afternoon and night saying the vilest things about Jonah. Of course we mostly agreed, but no one said, “you this little man, how dare you abuse Jonah?” No one arrested him. Now he threatens people who write articles. Is it something about short people? Because I expect that now that he is in a position of authority and can sit on high tables and chairs, he should calm down. What if he is charge of the whole house? Will he start making people disappear? But then look at your deputy. He is also a short man. But he does not have that kind of gra-gra. He does not harass people who talk about him. He is short but he thinks before he speaks. So it cannot be about height. Not all short people are nasty. Having said that, I must say that I love that you are tall and there is no way I would have chosen anyone less to be my darling. Hugs. 

My dear we have to talk about these your workers and relatives. You were clear when you were leaving that your deputy would take over and run things in your absence. I do not know why they are trying to undermine him. I tell you that little one gives short people a bad name so everyone is afraid that as a short man your deputy will also behave like the little one. But your deputy is not like that. They don't want him to sign cheques and things like that. They are keeping it until you can sign yourself. Me I have told them to let him do everything you used to do. Apart from love me that is. I am faithful to you my darling. But he has to be able to carry out all of the other duties of the head of the house. Otherwise what is the point of handing over to him? Please tell them to stop undermining him and to let him have to full authority to run this house properly. Especially about the budget. The house cannot wait until you return to get the budget. 

Albishirin ka! Wallahi, you won’t believe it! So, that senator who does music videos and has ten cars, the one who is acting bodyguard to the senate president, yes that one — he said he wrote a book about how women selling tomatoes in the market can be corrupt. Wait let me laugh small first. Kai! The book was about corruption and guess who was there? The senate president who is being accused of corruption. Jonah’s wife — not the one we don't know, I mean the one with the tummy tuck who they told us stole from us. She was there with her fine gele sitting on the high table. I am not joking. My only annoyance while I was laughing is that one of your workers was also there. You need to talk to your workers and assistants. This is not the kind of place people connected to us should be visiting. You cannot have a gathering of people accused of theft celebrating a book about how to stop theft. That is like your former grass cutter secretary writing a book about how to keep fit. I wanted to buy the book just to laugh at home but I thought now that you are away I should save our money and not use it to buy worthless things. 

I will end like always, to say, again, that I miss you and that you should take care of yourself. But also that we should let that Shiite man go home to mourn his children, the ones we killed. 

Ps. The weather is nice these days. I wish you were here. We would have taken long walks and all.  Do you know that I have lost weight? I went into one shop and tried the large t-shirts just for fun. You know I used to wear extra large and wallahi it fit! It fit! Now I have to maintain that weight and not drink too much fura before you return. Both of us will be slim together. I am excited. 

Yours lovingly,


Elnathan John. 

Sunday, May 14, 2017

HOW TO MAKE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WORK


Dearest Buhari, 

Since you have been gone, I have been thinking. I have no idea when you will return. I have no idea if it will be like the last time when you were away for many many weeks. But I know for sure though that this time, I am ready. 

To enable me handle this without going crazy I have been doing research about how to survive a long distance relationship. I have summarized all the knowledge I have gathered and decided to share with you. Because sharing is caring. Both of us have to make this work. I know you have handed over the running of the house to your deputy but our love remains the most important thing to me. Please read this carefully and tell me what you think.

1.  Set some ground rules to manage your expectations
So, I believe this is pretty self explanatory. Ground rules are important. Without ground rules one of us will do something to annoy the other without realizing it. These are my ground rules: a.) Eat healthy. b.) Sleep enough c.) Don't talk to other visitors (like you did with the King of Morocco the last time) before talking to me. If you can receive visitors, then you can talk to me. d.) Be honest about your health and whatever happens don't let me be the last to know. 

2.  Make communication optional, organic and unconditional.
I was shocked when I saw this. I always thought one had to talk all the time. It is always good to learn. I have resolved not to demand that you give your family a regular broadcast — this was never your style. You have always been silent, talking only to your close friends and to America. I am not judging you for it. So, whenever you want, talk to us. Tell us you still care. That you still think of us. Of me. That you are still responsible for us. For me. Directly. Not through intermediaries. We know you are ill. We will not mind if you speak to us from the hospital for just a few minutes when you can. You know, any sentence beginning with “Fellow…”. I have missed hearing that from your lips. 

3.  Talk dirty with each other
Now I know you think I mean talking dirty the way white people do in all those bad films. “Harder, baby, harder…” That is what your enemies expect from you. They always want you to do things harder. Whether it is fighting corruption or the economy, they are never contented. They want you to go harder. But I am different baby. We can take this and make it a holy kind of talking dirty. How about I keep you updated on all the dirty things your staff are doing while you are gone? Like when someone is a thief or someone is abusing power or the security guards are harassing someone. You know, that kind of dirty. Let us try it. 

4.  Have a goal in mind
What is your goal? To carry on when you return until 2022? To retire in 2019? Let us think of these things so that we can plan ahead and people don't fight over our property. It will help all of us plan. It will also help us take time to decide who we want to run things when you retire so that you can focus on leading now. 

5.  Give each other pet names
This is simple. That is why I call you Bubu. What do you want to call me? Something nice and easy that rolls off the tongue nicely. I like it when I call you Bubu. Bubu…Bubu…Bu…Ok, I’ll stop. (See? I miss you.)

6.  Clarify your status
Me I know our status. You are my partner. You are my leader. You are my darling. And I will wait for you. But you need to do the same clarification. What am I to you? Will you demonstrate this by talking to me this time? Or will I have to find out about you from people I did not choose, people who are not responsible for me, people who have not sworn to protect me so help them God. You have WhatsApp. You have FaceTime. You have Skype. You have fast London WiFi. We have no excuse not to make this work. 


7.  Always have something to look forward to together
I look forward to you returning. I look forward to you building a hospital near the house that you can go to instead of always having to fly far. I look forward to training our doctors enough so that we can trust them to treat you. I look forward to knowing where I stand with you in 2019. I look forward to having that Shiite man released and having him off my conscience especially after we have destroyed everything he has and killed most of his children and destroyed his property. I look forward to having the herdsmen around the house and the farmers not fighting with and killing each other — there is enough land for them all. I look forward to these and more. What do you look forward to my darling?

Talk soon. (Ps. I miss cooking for you.)

Yours in sickness and in health,

Elnathan John


Sunday, April 30, 2017

THE JOYS AND BLESSINGS OF WORKING FROM HOME

Dearest Buhari, 

While your detractors cast aspersions on you in everything, all you have done since your return from London is show me how much you love me. You know I have been working from home since late 2012 and since we became a couple on May 29, 2015, I have remained at home while you have gone to the office and even travelled the world to make life better for both of us. And for this I am thankful. For all you have done for me, I am truly thankful. Now that the doctors have asked you to take it slow (I hope it has nothing to do with our love life), you have decided to work from home. Only last week you considered my feelings and asked your secretary who I have accused of theft to stop coming to work. And now this week you have decided to spend quality time at home. 

I will not ask you not to bring your files home. As long as you are here with me and I can see you all day, it is good enough for me. There is nothing so urgent at work that you cannot do from our home or even from the other room. You know we have the internet now and if they want they can always Skype you or send you documents via Dropbox. They keep complaining about the Federal Executive Council meeting which you have missed twice now. This is why your workers should learn how to use Skype. Can’t the Ministers just put a screen where your chair is and you Skype in from the bed? They don't need to see your entire body in bed. They only need to see your face. 

People worry too much. Your job as a Chief Executive does not include dancing on stage or heavy lifting. If you wanted to do a job that required your physical presence all the time, you would have become a petrol station attendant. And even that will soon change when we start building stations that have self service like the ones I saw when I was in America where you can just drive in swipe your card and fill up your tank without having to speak to another annoying human being who will ask you stupid questions or judge your clothes or hair or god forbid beg you for money. You are not a Nigerian petrol station attendant. You can work from wherever you like, even our bed. Your cabinet member, Shit-something - I forget now, the one in charge of communications… he should arrange virtual meetings. What is he waiting for? Even though I heard he is very religious and may be afraid of the internet just in case he is trying to download Skype and he mistakenly sees those pop-up ads with naked people asking if you want to meet hot women in your area. He might be afraid that this will ruin his relationship with God. But we must reassure him that he doesn't have to see pornography. Once he installs the appropriate ad blockers and avoids suspicious websites and Twitter accounts that have triple x’s in their names, like @Naijaxxx or @Ebonyxxx he and his relationship with the almighty will be fine. 

You know one of the benefits of working from home darling? I mean apart from the fact that we get to spend time together? You don't even have to shower when you Skype into work! You can just wash your face, do rub and shine like we used to do in school during harmattan when it was too cold to bath with cold water and we were too late to wait for our turn to use the stove to get hot water. You know, just wash your face and apply some cream. In fact, especially if you are sitting down, you can wear only a nice shirt, no one will know you don't have trousers or shoes on. I saw it once when I walked into in a television studio in Germany where one sports presenter was actually wearing shorts  and sneakers underneath his suit and tie. (I almost said “shower” above instead of “bath” but then I admonished myself not to lie about my humble beginnings. Because our bathroom growing up consisted of a tiny room with a hole through the wall that allowed water to flow out — like everyone in the area, we used buckets and little plastic bowls to take our bath. The closest thing to a shower we had was when it rained.)

Another advantage of working from home is that I can cook for you as you attend to files and you can smell the aroma from the kitchen, where, you know, I belong. 

I just hope these your cabinet people will grow some sense and all install Skype on their devices so that we can just move your office, maybe even permanently, to the house. You will never have to see their faces again. You won’t have to see that one that wears the red beret. 

Ps. Just a reminder about that guy whose children we killed. The Shiite man. I think it is time to let him go. Please think about it darling. Let us do justice by him. 

Pps. Also, I wanted to say I think we should send that Lai to Senegal, seeing as he thinks their jollof is better than ours, but I think his problems may originate from a deeper place. He might have grown up with wicked step brothers who spat in his jollof or maybe they didn't know how to cook at all in his family home. In any case, I think he needs therapy before he disgraces us further on international television. 

Yours lovingly,


E.